I got chris browned last night
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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