I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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