my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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