R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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