Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
pray to the hookup gods
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
