Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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