I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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