shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
