the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
