This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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