the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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