Plan B is the new Plan A
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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