I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
