Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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