dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
