Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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