dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
