I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
