why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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