i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
