It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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