he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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