doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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