i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
