My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
