I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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