Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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