Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
