That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
