Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
it's like heaven, but drunker
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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