just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
