I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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