so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
