Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
