i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
