She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
