Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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