I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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