you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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