I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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