we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
