Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
two words...techno handjob
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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