I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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