I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
