Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
