It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
