I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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