So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
