I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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