If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
