a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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