At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just want nice things and good sex
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
