yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize